Lioness Breaking Free

tried to shorten it, but...that doesn't work for me. God's things have been so detailed that trying to type it cant be a mini version. It IS poorly written. I apologize for that, but here goes:

The lioness breaks free from her cage.

I always envisioned...dreamed this. almost nightly. Since around the time my husband asked me if was sure I wanted to separate. So like in Oct-DEC 2018
I just KNEW it's significance was me "breaking free" from a toxic marriage. Me gaining my strength back after many years of feeling weak and worthless in the eyes of my husband.

Me breaking free from the captivity i felt i was in.
I had this dream so much i was prepared to get it in tattoo form.

Man what an idiot I was. And how disgusting of me to assume God was orchestrating it for that purpose. How much pain and heartache and anger i would have avoided for myself, my husband and everyone who heard my complaints and desires to tear apart my family.

I really felt entitled to an exception from His plan. Like...i know You prefer us stay married, BUT...GOD...You see how he is with me. Or You see how bad he makes me feel.

I mean i didn't WAANNT a divorce, but what else was there for me to do?

God-trust me

Me-oh I'm sorry God, i can't really hear You over the voices in my head. I will get back to You later on that. In the meantime, i will throw my pity party to anyone who will listen and validate my desires.

After confirming the initial stages of their affair, i was even more sure, this time the lion was full of rage. I started a child support case and prepared to not only break free from the toxicity, but to do all i could to hurt him back emotionally and financially.

God-that isn't what I was thinking

Me-not now, God. I am using this strength You gave me. Thanks, by the way.

I wish i could remember the date, but at this same time,God woke me up. It wasn't the lion dream, it was Him. As clear as the sunrise...

KRISTA. GET UP AND FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. I AM HERE WITH YOU!

Me-umm..WHAT?! I am positive i did not hear that correctly. There is no way, after finding out about him chasing after some girl that YOU, of all...PEOPLE...would want to humiliate me in this way. There is no way that the ONE who gave me all this strength to become an independent single person able to provide mentally, emotionally for my children and i, would tell me to humble myself before my husband who is continuing to bring destruction into our home. Nope. Nah-uh.
No Sir. As clear as You were right now, there is no way i heard you correctly. Try again.
I didn't get sleep that night.

I also reached out to 3 of the dearest people to me, who had been very supportive of whatever decisions i was making. Good or bad. Because, well. We live in a world...we have human minds where SELF is more important than any other thing.
Self worthiness
Self care
Self esteem
Self glorification

And anything that isn't that is deemed toxic...abuse...ugly...

"You don't deserve that" was such an empowering boost in confidence to leave.

So the day after my dream...maybe next 2 or 3 days...i tried every way possible to rewrite that clear message from God.

There is just absolutely no way He actually told me that.

Fast forward to today. August 10, 2020, at 3 a.m. the same time He woke me up in March 2019. I have the same vision. And a 'see. Why did you fight me so hard on this?!" As it is so clear now.

And i tried to go back to sleep, for 45 min but He keeps telling me to get this typed up, so here i am.

I WAS the lion in the dream...still am.

But the cage never represented my marriage.

The cage was my own imprisonment. Each bar represented the things in my heart that kept me from God's plan. Anger, heartache, any emotion i felt when an insult or accusation would come out of his mouth. A cold heart. Man did i have a cold heart.

God was trying, all those months, to set me free from my self. My emotion's control over my thoughts and actions. My hard-hardheartedness. My anger..soo much anger.
The lies the enemy had filled me with that now determined how i looked at, spoke with and reacted to my husband. God wanted to cast away all that was hurting me and our marriage. He wanted to fill me with Him. He wanted me to be full of His strength to tear the devil down. , and protect the marriage HE HAD JOINED TOGETHER. He needed me to be strong so that Satan would have no entrance into my marriage any longer. Yet i not only misread that. I filled myself with everything Satan wanted me to.

And because of that...i am here 20 months later, still standing for my marriage. There is now a sweet baby girl we created when i thought things were looking up...and an adorable baby boy he created with his affair partner, 7 days later. They are 3 days apart.

How's that for a plot twist.

I am so thankful, though. I do wish i had seen the truth long ago. But i am a testimony for how Awesome Our Lord God is. I continue to be filled with faith, grace, mercy, His love that can then be shown, through me, to my dear husband, the other woman, our children and anyone else i communicate with. And we now get to raise 2 amazing beings who will have such an incredible story to tell. Their stories were started (earthly) in an awful situation, but God manages to take all things and work them for His good...that displays in what is good for us.

He is up there shining light on the path that has the most blessings and we sure can mess things up. We sure spend countless hours and minutes of the life HE has given us to please our selfish desires, when they only lead to destruction.

I pray He continues to show me grace when i fail Him, like I did for so long.i pray that my allowing His light to be shown through me will be strong enough to bring Noe closer to Him, and that will be restoration number 2.

Many restorations will follow.

There will be so many stories to follow what could be labeled; in society's eyes, as a storm that never ends.

Our God is so much higher than this.